Speaking Truth

It was the summer of 2014, I was almost 21. That winter before my mom and six younger siblings finally left my dad, Paul. His cover was blown and his sins lay rotting and ugly in the light of truth. Accepting the cold, hard reality of the life I had lived this far, the abuse I and my family endured and my deep grief was suffocating.  My sister worked at a Christian summer camp and I had a lot to run away from, so I went to work with her for the season as a camp counselor. I was angry at God, like, really angry. I felt a heavy weight of shame, unworthiness and self-loathing constantly. I wasn't enough. I didn't deserve to have a father who loved me or was proud of me. My life would be an ever progressing catastrophe. These are the thoughts I dwelled on.

One day my sister, Beck, and I were walking back to a cabin and I just lost it. I cried, no, bawled. I went into a full blown, hyperventilating panic attack and crumbled into the gravel in the middle of the road. She held me tight as I cried and just blubbered about wanting to be worth something. Over the coming days she spoke truth over me. She shared scriptures of who God said I was. At first it was like nails on a chalkboard, my shame hissing at the light of truth that was trying to peek into my soul. She encouraged me to write down truths to combat the lies in my mind. She helped me come up with "I am good. I am valued. I am loved. My past is not who I am. I do not need to fear the future. I am not crazy. My feelings matter. I can be victorious. My life is good. I can change." I put these words in a reminder on my phone that went off every day at 7am. I read them out loud to myself and as I spoke truth about who I was, my life changed forever. A crazy thing happened in the coming months. I began to BELIEVE what I was saying.

Beck helped me pick a Bible like hers and we ordered it (it's falling apart now.) She wrote me a list of biblical truths about who I am as God's child. The more I read scriptures about who I was, I discovered who God truly is. In the presence of His kindness, love, acceptance and mercy - I was made whole.

Submitted by,
Mary Sue | 11/3/21
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