Letting God In

My story is not one I particularly want to tell. It’s not one I like. Rife with drama, heartache and stupid decisions. Such is life I suppose.

I grew up in a Christian home. Did the church-ey things like Sunday school and Awana. I accepted Christ young and got baptized in middle school. It didn’t become my own until high school when I made it my own. I was able to be in a small group that dove into Bible doctrine and apologetics.

My true test of faith didn’t happen until college, when I found myself alone. But, I pulled myself up and said God is real. I’m going to follow him, and life went on. It went well. Things fell into place, despite earlier loss and heart ache. I lost my first grandpa, as well as discovered my advisor gave me the wrong advice and I basically wasted a whole semester. My older sister was in Argentina with The Navigators. It was…hard.

My last semester of college I unwillingly was caught up in some drama between two friends. They were friends with me but not with each other. All I remember is that it was over a boy and it was a case of she said this, she said that and I didn’t know what to believe. They both left me. This unfortunately impacted me in ways I never knew. This was nine years ago. Dang.

Anyway, graduated college, toured Wisconsin on job interviews, met my husband at summer camp, landed a job and moved to a very small town in Wisconsin. It was…harder than I expected. Soon I felt abandoned by God. Coming from college and camp where He is felt so fully and close, to now living in the desert. I still did all the christian things. But I didn’t ‘feel’ God. I let resentment and bitterness into my heart.

Time passed. Got married, left the job for an internship, got pregnant and moved to Marshfield where I became a mom. The husband and I church shopped around, and landed at North Ridge. Still feeling a little lost, abandoned and resentful.

Our marriage has been tested, but not broken. We added baby number two into the chaos. Life continues on its way. But my babes are growing and even though I’m not sure where God and I are at I know He’s the truth, and I want that for my babes.

I came to realize I’m not a good mom without Him. Baby steps for me then, towards reconciliation.

My lonely, hurt heart starts to reach out. Very tentatively. It seems so silly when I write it down. No big earth shattering thing other than my feelings, which we know are not to be trusted.
My best friend of 10 years passed away this summer. Brain tumor. He was a steady presence in my life with unwavering faith. His death rocked me to my core, but it finally challenged me enough. I decided to let God back in. I’m sad it took my friends’ death for it to happen. But I’m grateful he’s my great cloud of witnesses. He’s going to be a hard act to follow.

Slowly and surely, we are working on letting God back in. To burn away my feelings of abandonment and loneliness. Rather a slow burn story I guess. Wonder what the rest will be like?
Submitted Anonymously on 11/17/2021

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